chromasthesia & the Spirit

I have chromasthesia. This is a manifestation of one of the senses in a way that is not typically attributed to the reaction. I can see sounds. Every sound that contains a pitch has a color. Songs have so many colors, usually one brighter than the other. People have colors, usually the same one every time. God has a color, and it’s never changed. And I've learned that the lies Satan tries to tell me have a color too.

Usually, the lies that circulate in my brain are videos, montages, and pictures with no sound. Usually, they’re easy to sort out. Usually, I know immediately that my imagination is running away and there is no truth to be found in his lies. But this was different.

I was sitting in my classroom, after a full day of teaching. I was working on lesson plans, thinking about next year. And I was definitely alone. But then I heard a voice, and saw a color. The haziest black, almost a fog creeping in on my vision. 

“You aren’t good enough.” Well, that’s terribly cliche. 

“No amount of confidence can mask your issues.” That’s a little more specific. 

“They all know that you don’t love yourself. If you say you do, it empties the promises you give them. Your ‘I love you’ loses its power when your ‘I love me’ is empty and void.” That’s the kicker… All of the sudden I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to believe. These words had some truth behind them, or so I thought. 

Was I a massive hypocrite? Did my friends discuss my shortcomings behind my back? Was I just playing at life until something exciting and genuine came along? These statements, which I had never uttered, and had no clue where they were coming from, sent me into a tailspin.

So I began to do what I knew to do. I began to pray. I prayed out loud, for the first time in awhile. I prayed about everything expect what was happening. I filled my mind and room with words to God, so that they would overtake the words of what I was sure was the devil. And the haze disappeared. The white entered. And just like that, the lies were gone.

That doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about them. Not necessarily their validity, but rather this eerily physical manifestation of lies that I had yet to encounter. And every time I thought, I prayed.

I don’t believe the lies anymore. That was (thankfully) short lived. It's so awesome to see God meet me where I am, and use the things I've been given to encourage me to grow closer to Him. This particular event caused me to be so, so very grateful for this physical manifestation of discernment. It’s such an awesome gift, and God is an awesome God. I know not many people have this. I know many people are seeking some amazing point of life where they can suddenly discern everything. Every thought, every action. But that doesn't really happen, at least I don't believe it does. Discernment is a constant learning process. I'm still learning how to use my chromasthesia in that respect. It's always just been this fun color thing that I didn't want to tell anyone about because they might think I'm crazy. Now, I'm using the colors presented, along with my prayers with God and my readings of Scripture to be able to read certain situations. To talk myself in or out of something that may or may not be what God wants. Discernment is a wild, elusive thing. And it doesn't happen overnight.