tenderhearted & torn

Singleness in the church, at least when you’re in your early twenties, is viewed as a curse. It’s this huge rollercoaster of emotions that you want to get off of, whether that’s through a call to singleness, or “The One” coming out of the woodwork to sweep you off of your feet. Some find solace in singles ministry. Some find solace in dating around. Some find solace in praying for their future wife/husband. Very few are willing to find their solace in the Lord.  God’s been teaching me a lot about fear and how to hand it over. I’ve listened to podcasts, prayed prayers, but it’s impossible to hand over fear that you don’t realize you possess. And He’s pointed this fear out before; I just never listen. Or if I do, it’s for a quick second, and then I’m back to wishing, wanting, waiting. I’ll listen to sad music in my car when I’m mourning my singleness. I’ll listen to love songs if I’m not focused on my singleness. But in some way, I’m always spinning this web of pity for myself, and th

I have chromasthesia. This is a manifestation of one of the senses in a way that is not typically attributed to the reaction. I can see sounds. Every sound that contains a pitch has a color. Songs have so many colors, usually one brighter than the other. People have colors, usually the same one every time. God has a color, and it’s never changed. And I've learned that the lies Satan tries to tell me have a color too. Usually, the lies that circulate in my brain are videos, montages, and pictures with no sound. Usually, they’re easy to sort out. Usually, I know immediately that my imagination is running away and there is no truth to be found in his lies. But this was different. I was sitting in my classroom, after a full day of teaching. I was working on lesson plans, thinking about next year. And I was definitely alone. But then I heard a voice, and saw a color. The haziest black, almost a fog creeping in on my vision.  “You aren’t good enough.” Well, that’s terribly cliche.