Posts

what I learned from 22 years of rebellion

I can’t pin down where it started. I can’t pin down where it ended, or if it even has. What I can do is identify almost every moment in my adolescence and ascent into adulthood that had some sort of effect on how I view men, a patriarchal society, and my constant struggle for independence. My parents raised three girls. They raised three independent, pain in the neck, sassy girls. My father was adamant that we would never need a man to be able to survive. He taught us basic 21st century survival skills. How to change a tire, how to change our oil, how to barbecue a feast worthy of a king. How to understand basketball, how to make the best breakfast spread this side of the Mississippi River, how to truly enjoy country music with the wind in our curls. All seemingly harmless things, right? All the while, my mother taught us how to think for ourselves, how to keep a house, how to be a good wife and mother, how to understand football. I don’t think these were discussed as the specific

finding perfected love (& being okay with receiving it)

Singleness in the church, at least when you’re in your early twenties, is viewed as a curse. It’s this huge rollercoaster of emotions that you want to get off of, whether that’s through a call to singleness, or “The One” coming out of the woodwork to sweep you off of your feet. Some find solace in singles ministry. Some find solace in dating around. Some find solace in praying for their future wife/husband. Very few are willing to find their solace in the Lord.  God’s been teaching me a lot about fear and how to hand it over. I’ve listened to podcasts, prayed prayers, but it’s impossible to hand over fear that you don’t realize you possess. And He’s pointed this fear out before; I just never listen. Or if I do, it’s for a quick second, and then I’m back to wishing, wanting, waiting. I’ll listen to sad music in my car when I’m mourning my singleness. I’ll listen to love songs if I’m not focused on my singleness. But in some way, I’m always spinning this web of pity for myself, and th

chromasthesia & the Spirit

I have chromasthesia. This is a manifestation of one of the senses in a way that is not typically attributed to the reaction. I can see sounds. Every sound that contains a pitch has a color. Songs have so many colors, usually one brighter than the other. People have colors, usually the same one every time. God has a color, and it’s never changed. And I've learned that the lies Satan tries to tell me have a color too. Usually, the lies that circulate in my brain are videos, montages, and pictures with no sound. Usually, they’re easy to sort out. Usually, I know immediately that my imagination is running away and there is no truth to be found in his lies. But this was different. I was sitting in my classroom, after a full day of teaching. I was working on lesson plans, thinking about next year. And I was definitely alone. But then I heard a voice, and saw a color. The haziest black, almost a fog creeping in on my vision.  “You aren’t good enough.” Well, that’s terribly cliche.

introduction

This is a long time coming. Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve never done this before. I’m an outward processor, and my thoughts usually tumble clumsily out of mouth. But here we are. I wanted a platform and an archive for what exactly God is doing in my life. I wanted a place to lay out all of my thoughts on Christ and His provision. I wanted a blog, apparently. I often find myself telling the same stories to the same people; yet learning something new every time I tell it. I enjoy re-racking my brain to discover what all God was doing in a moment, a conversation, a breath. It hasn’t always been this way. Until recently, I would speak just to hear myself. I would tell stories because I craved being the center of attention. I would talk over the people around me because no one mattered to me but myself. Then Jesus. He's really cool. He gives us chance after chance, grace after grace. So welcome. Enjoy the ramblings I have to offer. I can’t promise this will be updated consistently.